one wish

I do wish that I could learn how to be alone. I've always been OK with being alone so long as I always knew it wasn't for long or I had someone for a backup to entertain me. The latter of the two I do admit is selfish but every man has one and it women allow themselves to become them because they want to feel like they have it too. In the end for most people it is better to lay at night with Mr. wrong than lay alone. I myself will own up to it and admit I did it. But I don't wanna do it anymore. I want to rather be alone than settle or cuddle with the asshole.  I just feel like I deserve better. It hurts my pride so much for admitting this because I love pronouncing how independent I am, but how does one stop themselves from getting lonely, or horny for that matter. It's human nature to want to casual date, make out, have sex, want to find love. I don't mind being single, in fact I love it. But how do I not mind being alone?

What's next on the list

I have the what's next feeling again. I know I decided 2010 will be the year I take life by the balls and say let's make our own adventure. But I went to Europe, lived my dream, I went to Miami and took a chance on getting hurt, I got a tattoo, the words "My Way" are forever written on my hip until kingdom come, but now what. What's next on the list of really cool things I should do? Skydive? Am I that brave? Ride on the back of a motorcycle? What's my next adventure? I'm bored.

you may get hurt if you read this blog if you are my ex

When I first started writing this in July I wrote a warning sign because I know certain people in my life will read this and it will hurt them. That's  the reason why I never finish the post. It's the reason why I haven't written in months honestly. But I'm sorry if I broke up with you, I didn't want to be with you anymore. I will no longer allow you to make me feel guilty. So I will write about what i Did in July that changed me



Where do I begin...

At the time I thought Mike and I were phasing out due to my promotion at the airport. But after this situation we continued to hang out but my heart wasn't fully in it. Now we come to the point we just hang out because we are really good friends and enjoy each other's company and keep each other company until whenever and whatever comes along. We aren't together I say I'm single, he says he is in an "open relationship" Meaning we won't sleep with anyone else but I can kiss whoever I want. Sure he can think what he wants. I know if he and someone else were in a room together, I know who I walk to.

I come out of the bathroom into the hot sweaty Miami club. I see the boy I came to see. This man that I swear swept me of my feet enough that one night in Florence to this day will always look back and think one word, magically.  We haven't kissed since that night  in Europe. We couldn't wait for dinner to be over. Not that it was bad but because it was so good. The food was amazing, all four of us on the double date were laughing as if we knew each other for years. but now we're alone, finally just me and him. Yes. we are n a crowed club, but we only see each other. We look straight at each other as I walk toward him and he grabs my face with his hands and I grab his arms and we kiss. This kiss is to powerful I swear my foot just about popped. Just like the old movies, just like the princess diaries. But this was not a movie I actually felt my foot pop. To stop my foot and move it around because I'm just so happy I start to dance. As we kiss we start to dance around in the old fashion salsa way. A girl from this generation from NY does not dance like that, but it was perfect. A kiss turns into a dance turns into a even better night that anyone can imagine.

The whole vacation was incredible. I was afraid to go down there because being a little old fashion I felt a guy should come see you. In all honesty I also wanted to party in Miami, he was just my excuse. I took feminism by the balls and said Iwill go down and if it all sucks all I need is a shot and a beach with my girl and we will have the best time of our lives. Live life to the fullest baby!!!

Knowing that everything with my Florence boy worked out we had an even better time. I stayed a lady but enjoyed a little romance that I truly believe this generation of woman are starving for, Now I just have to live my knowing there is an amazing guy that lives 1000 miles away I can never be with. Hopefully one day that amazing weekend is enough knowing that some people spend their whole lives never feeling that much excitement or special or infatuated with anyone is their lives. I'm lucky and happy I went. Sometimes you have to make your own fairy tale.

Tattoo

On Sept 11, 2010 I got some balls and got a tattoo. One more thing crossed off my bucket list!!!! I got the words My Way written on my hip on the backside. It's in honor of Frank Sinatra's song My Way.

To me it means:

I've lived life to the fullest and I've traveled to Europe alone which is not the way where I come from you do a vacation and I understand I lied to my parents about going alone but I did it my way.

I have some regrets but not enough to mention but i did what i did in my life and I did it my way.

In Bon Jovi's song It's my life he references this song as well in the chorus which also means so much to me

"It's my life, it's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever, I just wanna live while I'm alive.
It's my life, my heart is like an open highway, like Frankie said I did it my way, I just wana live while I'm alive"

When I'm old and gross and i look at my tattoo and people say why did you do it. i will say in My 20's I lived life and I did it  My Way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well i'm no angel

I have done some pretty shitty things. I should own up to them. Funny thing is I've been trying to change them. Back in January when I did the things that hurt people I did it because I've been trying to change and fix the mistakes I didn't learn the first time. This week just reminded me I need to stick to them.

I had an interesting thought today

Why has it always meant to me that living life to the fullest means you must do everything right now and rush. I understand there is no day but today but that doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy something the way it is. I will give an example. I am dating this guy named Mike. I like him very much. We've been dating for a little over a month. I like him a and normal Jenn would be freaking out thinking why have we haven't talked about where this is going or see if the next level is coming. I like him and I know he likes me so I honestly just want to leave it at that and enjoy his company for the time being. Which is very unlike me. When I was thinking this I thought if this guy is "the one" (which by the way I refuse to believe there is just one, but that is a different blog at another time) then I have my whole life to be with him. So, I should enjoy getting to know him and after a few months take it from there Or if he isn't "the one" then why would I rush into a relationship with someone in which it is doomed to fail. Why should I not just take what we have for now and see where it goes.

This doesn't just go with relationships. I see it with my job as well. I haven't been looking for another job yet even though I hate my job immensely because I want to see where I go with this company for a year. If it works out well I'll stay, if not, then I'll look. At least then I'll have more to put on a resume and say on a interview.

My point being yes it is very important to take advantage of every opportunity, live life like it is your last day on earth by complete ling your bucket list and telling the people you care for how you feel. The whole point of living life to the fullest is to remind you to not take things for granted. Sometimes the only way to not take for granted is to not rush good things, or see where an opportunity will take you even after a year. Because if your to busy trying to see the big picture you forget the small details.

I will always try to take advantage of every opportunity that arises. I will try to complete my bucket list. But I will also try my very hardest to takes things as is and enjoy things as they come. Sometimes going with the flow is living life fully.

The Buried Life 2

One thing I did not have on my list was make the front page of the newspaper. I never thought of it actually.. but it would be damn kool. Well on Friday May, 28 2010 I did. It was my graduation day and I was all dolled up in my cap and gown, praying to God the rain holds out. As I walk into my department building I see my best college friends. We all hug and take a picture. As soon as we take a picture we get approached my a photographer by the Staten Island Advance, asking us if we will take a picture. Of course we agreed and we took about ten pictures, 9 of them being classic lovely pictures, one being a funny picture. Well the next day I get an e-mail from my father that says front page of the advance which a link is attached as well. I open it up in my blackberry and there it is, front page, where everyone can see, the funny picture. Words cannot describe the embarrassment that came over me. I was mortified, completely mortified. My mouth is open wide as if I'm screaming yeah! My hair is frizzy from the rain that followed the ceremony. I look completly stupid. Again I repeat completely mortified. I call my friends who is in the picture with me, Dave and Diana. They love it. Diana thinks we look funny. Dave is embarrassed but doesn't care because he feels like a celebrity for a day. Thank the Lord Jesus Christ in heaven my crush is out of the country on vacation. As the day goes on, the texts messages and facebook comments begin. Everyone says it's not "that bad" which implies to me that they think it's bad but not as bad as I feel. Most people say I look happy and cute. I know I've said it, I look like an idiot but I made the front page of the newspaper. I do believe that not even the real buried life crew even did that.
One more thing to add on my list. One more thing to scratch off.

GRADUATION

This week I am graduating, well having the ceremony because I graduated in January. I see it as an excuse to get off work for a day. This is because I feel I am not the same Jenny I was 6 months ago. I say that very often I know, but mostly it’s because it's true. I should be changing as in growing up; you never want to stay the same forever. Since I walked out of CSI last I have been to Europe, filed for 401k, worked 50 hours a week every week, and bought a car. I'm a grown up.
However walking in the ceremony does give this sense of accomplishment, Kind of like wrapping that pretty pink bow around my college education. I miss college every day. I miss the sense of knowledge the campus felt like. I miss learning so many different things I never thought of before. I miss questioning my life and my path. I miss learning photography and taking the classes and even the smell of the darkroom. I miss my comm classes because they were so interesting and so fun. I miss partying on a Thurs. night. I miss looking forward to spring break or winter break and certainly summer. I miss picking out my classes for the next semester. I miss reading the college newspaper and walking around the buildings reading the signs people put up. I miss being the student who always raises her hand.

LEGGINS!!!!

LEGGINS: the greatest tool a woman could use to manipulate a man since the invention of a blow job!
Woman,
do take advantage of this because all is fair in love and war BUT please take my 23 years of wisdom into consideration... if one OVER wears them they become boring to a man... use them mostly "when your the gloves are coming off!"

I haven't written because there isn't much to say

Ok, Honestly I have not written because my phone won't let me post on the website now, but mostly because there is nothing to report. I go to work, come home, rest for three hours, go to bed and start it all over again. I have become a sad, boring person. I do wanna just relax, I do feel like going to grad school is not in the cards for me yet. But i do miss the adventures. Going to Europe changed me, I mean I was always an adventurous person, Europe was the ultimate adventure. Now that it's over I see how I've grown an changed. Now I'm working everyday. My whole purpose in life is just work, and try to party on the weekends. I want another adventure. I'm looking for one, hopefully one will come.

and again

Again I expect something from someone and he doesn't come through with what he says he will. Its my own fault I just wish God I would actually live and and not expect much. Please. Now I'm praying for it.

expect nothing that way you don't get disappointed

I wish I knew what it wasd like to stop hoping things could change. There are so many people in the world that are like that. My friend nicole is one. She never gets disappointed because she doesn't expect much. I wish I could be more and more like her. In fact I'm starting to envy that ability she has. I'm tired of being disappointed.

the buried life

What do you want to do before you die? My entire life I would have said go to europe. It has always been to go to europe because that seriously was my dream. Well I can actually scratch that off thanks to the many blessings from God. Now I don't know what to say. Many times I've attempted a bucket list but I would always put stuff on it that I've already accomplished. Because to be honest I am the type of person if I really wanna do something I will do it like go to europe or get my belly button (and nipple) pierced or swim with dolphins. Those were incredible experiences that many people cannot say they did. I guess the reason why I was always to scared to actually make a list of things to do I was always afraid I would feel like I failed. I guess you can say my idea of failure is setting out to do something and not accomplish them. Well I adore the buried life because those four guys are inspirational to me at least. This list I will make it is not a list I will finish and I will not say I will scratch them all off. I will just say it will be a list of things that will be pretty damn cool to do. This list will probably also be added to in future entries because again it will never ever be finished. Here is the start of of this list of pretty damn cool things to do: 1. Go back to europe. 2. Be in a movie. 3. Skydive/bungee jump (like I would ever have the courage). 4. Publish a book. 5. Fall in deep and passionate love. 6. Get married. 7. Dance with ellen de generous. Now that would be freaking kool. 8. Volunteer for project hospitality, americorps, or some other pretty awesome charity. 9. Have a kid. 10. Live in gorgeous Manhattan loft. 11. Travel to Egypt. 12. Learn another language fluently. 13. Fool a pool shark and win $100 bucks. (Seriously that would be cool). 14. Learn to play an instrument. (This one may come true because it's not to far fetch.). 15. Dance the tango at a club in Buenos Aires. (Strange but just like al pacino). 16. Travel down under. (NZ or Aussie). 17. Buy a house. 18. Get a tattoo. 19. Start my own successful business. (Would be damn cool but most likely not my career path.). 20. Ride on the back of a motorcycle. (Seriously that would be so freaking cool.). For now my list of things that would be freaking cool has 20 items. I only want it to grow and honestly never be completed or scratched off.

amazing dreams

Have you ever had such an awesome dream that seams so real or has your biggest wish come true. It's so bitter sweet. I woke up this morning smiling because of this amazing dream I had but I was and still am sad because it can't come true. I am happy I had the dream though because even if in real life it can't come true, at least we can be together in my dreams.

ive been way to blessed this yr

I am been very blessed so far in 2010. I graduated, went to europe where I had the time of my life. I got a full time job which I kinda hate but I don't care because its a job, I mean dude money, benefits etc. Now I just bought a brand new car. I am terrified because it's to much. No one gets so much in such a short time. A. I feel its not right for me to get so much when there are millions beyond millions people in this world better than me and they don't have all that I do. B. Because when someone gets good things come to them bad things get piled on as well and they are terrible and they come in threes. I almost would give something to someone else who deserves a break just because I'm afraid of all the bad shit that will happen. The year 2004 is clear proof of this. In church many years ago I heard that if you bless others God will bless you. If you bless God and his church and word He will bless you ten fold. Well I bless God and his teachings. I bless his church and his choir. I just pray I don't loose it all.

since i know no one reads this i can actually write what i feel

Ok I understand it is the year 2010, and I understand along with breaking that glass sealing we also stated to the world "men we can open our doors." But sometimes its nice to feel special once in awhile. Ok here it goes. I have a friend who has a friend she likes that lives in florida. This friend in florida is trying to convince her to go to florida for a visit. Well not so much trying to convince her but just being so incredible charming that makes her want to go even after he tells her hey come to florida. But she is the girl. He is the guy. She wants to go but she's afraid for two reasons: a. Because she doesn't know him that well. And b. Because she doesn't want to be the girl who makes the jump for the guy. When The guy who does it looks romantic. The girl looks desperate and needy. Its almost sad to say because I pride myself in being independent. I am the one who went to europe by myself. I am the one who broke up with a man ready to go out and buy the ring even though I knew I would be set for life because I knew we weren't truly happy. I still feel it should be the guy. I'm not a embarrassed. I do not feel like it compromises my independence. It's just how I feel. The guy should make the move. I made the first move with men before and it doesn't work out. I want to be the girl that is special enough for the guy to make that move. That would be if its me. For me I feel its hard enough to believe the guy actually means what he says and he is being true but now men are expecting us risk it all. I just know I don't think I could risk my pride and especially my heart.

just goes to show

I just had the best conversation with someone who speaks english very little and i barely speak spanish. It truly goes to show one should never let a language barrier come between you and someone else. I just made a new friend and I am grateful for that today.

I heard this weekend the most amazing revolutionary sentence since "he"s just not that into you." Ladies brace yourself, Men keep certain girls around because they need someone to fall back on. Usually it is a good girl and usually this girl has more than one man who uses her for this purpose. It's not the girl's fault it's just she is a catch and most men that pass through her life will keep going back. When I heard this it all made sense. Every guy that has ever did me wrong came back and tried to start up again. Why? Because men, from what my friend told me, are afraid to be alone but want to be single. So they keep good girls around to fall back on. Use a chair douche bags!!

understanding doesn't make me feel better

In three months my group of school friends have been through a lot. We graduted and now out lives have changed. Within these last three months I lost two friends from the group. One went back home and the other, well it's complicated. Just because I understand why our group isn't what it was anymore doesn't take the pain away. I do get it. I broke up with Jeff and James went home, but it's a shame it couldn't stay the same.

womans intuition?

I've never been the type of person to have a intuition. I don't believe all woman to have it because I never did. So when something is telling me not to trust you I'm not sure if its intuition or paranoia. If you never had it before why would it come now right? Does intuition come to anyone, Or do you have to always have it? Maybe I quit feeling and try looking for signs and tell my brain what to do.

daydreaming

Lately I have been getting tired of daydreaming. Whether its a silly one, a fantasy, or whatever its making me sad afterward. I know it won't happen so it makes me depressed a little. Why daydream then?

maybe more is my fault then i let on

Dare I say I've even made mistakes in my past. Even in relationships. It is hard to believe I know because I've been so disappointed by men lately or my whole life. I do have this stick up my ass I understand. However, I am growing older and with that comes wisdom. This new found wisdom I have discovered within myself is even a little shocking to myself. Maybe I should not be in a any relationship now. I know I want to be single and be by myself. But the shocking part is I like being alone. I don't want to have to call a guy and say I am home from work. I do not have to split my time. I enjoy being a little selfish. I haven't decided if this is sad or good. But wither way I'm going to enjoy my limited time being selfish.

After a closer look into myself I've realized i have to get myself off this high horse I'm on and that I am not as good as I thought I was. I use to be so good and lately I"ve surprised myself. I need to remember some things Jesus has taught me.

some people need to understand

If you really knew me you would know I really don't hate men or love. I'm not bitter or some girl that has incredible high standards, I just have standards. One thing most men need to understand is I do not respond the way you expect I am not being a bitch or a snob, I'm just not impressed by you. I was raised with expectations they aren't unrealistic its just one simple thing I expect respect because I give you some. I do understand that most men will not understand this and that's fine with me because I do not need them in life. I just want them to make sure they know I'm not the girl they could pull that bullshit with. they do on the other girls but I am older, prettier, wiser, and have met men that don't give me bull shit. I know the male gender can do it its just most of them don't choose to because they want it easy.

romance?

How can my parents who will be married for 39 years this april still hold hands and kiss each other? I can not comprehend how they still love each other after all this time. I also cannot understand how I grew up with such parents that are so in love, in fact not one member in my entire family is divorced. Everyone has had a long lasting, loving marriage. Yet I am so cynical when it come to love and romance. In fact what the hell is romance? because to me its just something from my parents generation. I feel like romance is as rare as needle in a haystack and love is as rare as a diamond in the.. You know where I"m going with this. (He point I am making is I, one who grew up with a man bringing home a woman flowers just because, and parents who did adore each other is more screwed than parents who ended in divorce. Before you jump me let me give my point of view. My parents gave me this completely unrealistic idea of how love is suppose to be. Now that I am a 23 year old woman I have learned all men suck and the love my parents have for each other does not exist in this generation. People lie, cheat whatever, not just men but woman too. I have my faults so do all the men from my past. Love has become like a business plan. People do not follow their gut or their heart, that world be as foolish as following a hunch in business. Love has become something that one weighs and measures the cost and pain ahead of time before they make the decision to follow through. No more sending flowers, notes, chocolates, putting in any effort for the person your care about. My father said he would have flown anywhere if my mother was there. My mother said she knew by the first date he was the one. Today that just doesn't exist. So thank you dad because you know what the fathers that show their daughters how bad can men suck are bad but the dads who show how good men are and just the men you know bad are pretty sucky too. In the words of my dear friend nicole marci "men suck.. Buy me a drink"

working girl

Now it is official, I am a working girl. Today I filed out paperwork and I'm in the system. I actually had a conversation about 401k's and vacation days and the big one salary. A year ago I didn't even know what a 401k was. Now I must meet my monthly quota, wear suits, and worst of all get up at 6am. I couldn't help but remember the days when I would dream about this. I would say "I can't wait to have a real job." I only thought about the money and enjoying my weekends off. I had no idea 9 to 5 was a made up term Dolly sang about and it isn't actually an average work schedule. I am so glad I went to europe when I did. Now I feel like I had the life experience not many people can have at a time I do not have to worry about mortgages or babies. Going to europe was my dream. When people would say what do you want to do when you grow up, or what's your dream, I would say "go to Europe." Now that it"s over I'm a little depressed. But I got to do it. For that I thank God for. Now that I'm a working girl I have no idea when my next vacation will be. II worry though. I worry I will fail. I worry I won't have any fun anymore. I worry I will loose myself in my work and can't have time to be me. I wish I could just go back to Europe.

Here I am sitting in JFK airport bar, with a glass of wine contemplating my life. I am about to embark on a trip that is an experience of a lifetime. One that I have been looking forward for months, no scratch that, my whole life. I just feel like my whole life is changing. I just graduated college, just broke up with Jeff, about to go on an amazing trip, when I get back - will be working full time. I can't help but wonder about this trip, am I crazy for doing this. Traveling to europe! I'm nervous I won't have fun, I worried about everything going wrong. I wish I knew the outcome. I wish I knew the outcome of my life.

Here I am sitting in JFK airport bar, with a glass of wine contemplating my life. I am about to embark on a trip that is an experience of a lifetime. One that I have been looking forward for months, no scratch that, my whole life. I just feel like my whole life is changing. I just graduated college, just broke up with Jeff, about to go on an amazing trip, when I get back - will be working full time. I can't help but wonder about this trip, am I crazy for doing this. Traveling to europe! I'm nervous I won't have fun, I worried about everything going wrong. I wish I knew the outcome. I wish I knew the outcome of my life.