ive been way to blessed this yr

I am been very blessed so far in 2010. I graduated, went to europe where I had the time of my life. I got a full time job which I kinda hate but I don't care because its a job, I mean dude money, benefits etc. Now I just bought a brand new car. I am terrified because it's to much. No one gets so much in such a short time. A. I feel its not right for me to get so much when there are millions beyond millions people in this world better than me and they don't have all that I do. B. Because when someone gets good things come to them bad things get piled on as well and they are terrible and they come in threes. I almost would give something to someone else who deserves a break just because I'm afraid of all the bad shit that will happen. The year 2004 is clear proof of this. In church many years ago I heard that if you bless others God will bless you. If you bless God and his church and word He will bless you ten fold. Well I bless God and his teachings. I bless his church and his choir. I just pray I don't loose it all.

since i know no one reads this i can actually write what i feel

Ok I understand it is the year 2010, and I understand along with breaking that glass sealing we also stated to the world "men we can open our doors." But sometimes its nice to feel special once in awhile. Ok here it goes. I have a friend who has a friend she likes that lives in florida. This friend in florida is trying to convince her to go to florida for a visit. Well not so much trying to convince her but just being so incredible charming that makes her want to go even after he tells her hey come to florida. But she is the girl. He is the guy. She wants to go but she's afraid for two reasons: a. Because she doesn't know him that well. And b. Because she doesn't want to be the girl who makes the jump for the guy. When The guy who does it looks romantic. The girl looks desperate and needy. Its almost sad to say because I pride myself in being independent. I am the one who went to europe by myself. I am the one who broke up with a man ready to go out and buy the ring even though I knew I would be set for life because I knew we weren't truly happy. I still feel it should be the guy. I'm not a embarrassed. I do not feel like it compromises my independence. It's just how I feel. The guy should make the move. I made the first move with men before and it doesn't work out. I want to be the girl that is special enough for the guy to make that move. That would be if its me. For me I feel its hard enough to believe the guy actually means what he says and he is being true but now men are expecting us risk it all. I just know I don't think I could risk my pride and especially my heart.

just goes to show

I just had the best conversation with someone who speaks english very little and i barely speak spanish. It truly goes to show one should never let a language barrier come between you and someone else. I just made a new friend and I am grateful for that today.

I heard this weekend the most amazing revolutionary sentence since "he"s just not that into you." Ladies brace yourself, Men keep certain girls around because they need someone to fall back on. Usually it is a good girl and usually this girl has more than one man who uses her for this purpose. It's not the girl's fault it's just she is a catch and most men that pass through her life will keep going back. When I heard this it all made sense. Every guy that has ever did me wrong came back and tried to start up again. Why? Because men, from what my friend told me, are afraid to be alone but want to be single. So they keep good girls around to fall back on. Use a chair douche bags!!

understanding doesn't make me feel better

In three months my group of school friends have been through a lot. We graduted and now out lives have changed. Within these last three months I lost two friends from the group. One went back home and the other, well it's complicated. Just because I understand why our group isn't what it was anymore doesn't take the pain away. I do get it. I broke up with Jeff and James went home, but it's a shame it couldn't stay the same.

womans intuition?

I've never been the type of person to have a intuition. I don't believe all woman to have it because I never did. So when something is telling me not to trust you I'm not sure if its intuition or paranoia. If you never had it before why would it come now right? Does intuition come to anyone, Or do you have to always have it? Maybe I quit feeling and try looking for signs and tell my brain what to do.

daydreaming

Lately I have been getting tired of daydreaming. Whether its a silly one, a fantasy, or whatever its making me sad afterward. I know it won't happen so it makes me depressed a little. Why daydream then?

maybe more is my fault then i let on

Dare I say I've even made mistakes in my past. Even in relationships. It is hard to believe I know because I've been so disappointed by men lately or my whole life. I do have this stick up my ass I understand. However, I am growing older and with that comes wisdom. This new found wisdom I have discovered within myself is even a little shocking to myself. Maybe I should not be in a any relationship now. I know I want to be single and be by myself. But the shocking part is I like being alone. I don't want to have to call a guy and say I am home from work. I do not have to split my time. I enjoy being a little selfish. I haven't decided if this is sad or good. But wither way I'm going to enjoy my limited time being selfish.

After a closer look into myself I've realized i have to get myself off this high horse I'm on and that I am not as good as I thought I was. I use to be so good and lately I"ve surprised myself. I need to remember some things Jesus has taught me.

some people need to understand

If you really knew me you would know I really don't hate men or love. I'm not bitter or some girl that has incredible high standards, I just have standards. One thing most men need to understand is I do not respond the way you expect I am not being a bitch or a snob, I'm just not impressed by you. I was raised with expectations they aren't unrealistic its just one simple thing I expect respect because I give you some. I do understand that most men will not understand this and that's fine with me because I do not need them in life. I just want them to make sure they know I'm not the girl they could pull that bullshit with. they do on the other girls but I am older, prettier, wiser, and have met men that don't give me bull shit. I know the male gender can do it its just most of them don't choose to because they want it easy.