one wish

I do wish that I could learn how to be alone. I've always been OK with being alone so long as I always knew it wasn't for long or I had someone for a backup to entertain me. The latter of the two I do admit is selfish but every man has one and it women allow themselves to become them because they want to feel like they have it too. In the end for most people it is better to lay at night with Mr. wrong than lay alone. I myself will own up to it and admit I did it. But I don't wanna do it anymore. I want to rather be alone than settle or cuddle with the asshole.  I just feel like I deserve better. It hurts my pride so much for admitting this because I love pronouncing how independent I am, but how does one stop themselves from getting lonely, or horny for that matter. It's human nature to want to casual date, make out, have sex, want to find love. I don't mind being single, in fact I love it. But how do I not mind being alone?

What's next on the list

I have the what's next feeling again. I know I decided 2010 will be the year I take life by the balls and say let's make our own adventure. But I went to Europe, lived my dream, I went to Miami and took a chance on getting hurt, I got a tattoo, the words "My Way" are forever written on my hip until kingdom come, but now what. What's next on the list of really cool things I should do? Skydive? Am I that brave? Ride on the back of a motorcycle? What's my next adventure? I'm bored.

you may get hurt if you read this blog if you are my ex

When I first started writing this in July I wrote a warning sign because I know certain people in my life will read this and it will hurt them. That's  the reason why I never finish the post. It's the reason why I haven't written in months honestly. But I'm sorry if I broke up with you, I didn't want to be with you anymore. I will no longer allow you to make me feel guilty. So I will write about what i Did in July that changed me



Where do I begin...

At the time I thought Mike and I were phasing out due to my promotion at the airport. But after this situation we continued to hang out but my heart wasn't fully in it. Now we come to the point we just hang out because we are really good friends and enjoy each other's company and keep each other company until whenever and whatever comes along. We aren't together I say I'm single, he says he is in an "open relationship" Meaning we won't sleep with anyone else but I can kiss whoever I want. Sure he can think what he wants. I know if he and someone else were in a room together, I know who I walk to.

I come out of the bathroom into the hot sweaty Miami club. I see the boy I came to see. This man that I swear swept me of my feet enough that one night in Florence to this day will always look back and think one word, magically.  We haven't kissed since that night  in Europe. We couldn't wait for dinner to be over. Not that it was bad but because it was so good. The food was amazing, all four of us on the double date were laughing as if we knew each other for years. but now we're alone, finally just me and him. Yes. we are n a crowed club, but we only see each other. We look straight at each other as I walk toward him and he grabs my face with his hands and I grab his arms and we kiss. This kiss is to powerful I swear my foot just about popped. Just like the old movies, just like the princess diaries. But this was not a movie I actually felt my foot pop. To stop my foot and move it around because I'm just so happy I start to dance. As we kiss we start to dance around in the old fashion salsa way. A girl from this generation from NY does not dance like that, but it was perfect. A kiss turns into a dance turns into a even better night that anyone can imagine.

The whole vacation was incredible. I was afraid to go down there because being a little old fashion I felt a guy should come see you. In all honesty I also wanted to party in Miami, he was just my excuse. I took feminism by the balls and said Iwill go down and if it all sucks all I need is a shot and a beach with my girl and we will have the best time of our lives. Live life to the fullest baby!!!

Knowing that everything with my Florence boy worked out we had an even better time. I stayed a lady but enjoyed a little romance that I truly believe this generation of woman are starving for, Now I just have to live my knowing there is an amazing guy that lives 1000 miles away I can never be with. Hopefully one day that amazing weekend is enough knowing that some people spend their whole lives never feeling that much excitement or special or infatuated with anyone is their lives. I'm lucky and happy I went. Sometimes you have to make your own fairy tale.

Tattoo

On Sept 11, 2010 I got some balls and got a tattoo. One more thing crossed off my bucket list!!!! I got the words My Way written on my hip on the backside. It's in honor of Frank Sinatra's song My Way.

To me it means:

I've lived life to the fullest and I've traveled to Europe alone which is not the way where I come from you do a vacation and I understand I lied to my parents about going alone but I did it my way.

I have some regrets but not enough to mention but i did what i did in my life and I did it my way.

In Bon Jovi's song It's my life he references this song as well in the chorus which also means so much to me

"It's my life, it's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever, I just wanna live while I'm alive.
It's my life, my heart is like an open highway, like Frankie said I did it my way, I just wana live while I'm alive"

When I'm old and gross and i look at my tattoo and people say why did you do it. i will say in My 20's I lived life and I did it  My Way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well i'm no angel

I have done some pretty shitty things. I should own up to them. Funny thing is I've been trying to change them. Back in January when I did the things that hurt people I did it because I've been trying to change and fix the mistakes I didn't learn the first time. This week just reminded me I need to stick to them.

I had an interesting thought today

Why has it always meant to me that living life to the fullest means you must do everything right now and rush. I understand there is no day but today but that doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy something the way it is. I will give an example. I am dating this guy named Mike. I like him very much. We've been dating for a little over a month. I like him a and normal Jenn would be freaking out thinking why have we haven't talked about where this is going or see if the next level is coming. I like him and I know he likes me so I honestly just want to leave it at that and enjoy his company for the time being. Which is very unlike me. When I was thinking this I thought if this guy is "the one" (which by the way I refuse to believe there is just one, but that is a different blog at another time) then I have my whole life to be with him. So, I should enjoy getting to know him and after a few months take it from there Or if he isn't "the one" then why would I rush into a relationship with someone in which it is doomed to fail. Why should I not just take what we have for now and see where it goes.

This doesn't just go with relationships. I see it with my job as well. I haven't been looking for another job yet even though I hate my job immensely because I want to see where I go with this company for a year. If it works out well I'll stay, if not, then I'll look. At least then I'll have more to put on a resume and say on a interview.

My point being yes it is very important to take advantage of every opportunity, live life like it is your last day on earth by complete ling your bucket list and telling the people you care for how you feel. The whole point of living life to the fullest is to remind you to not take things for granted. Sometimes the only way to not take for granted is to not rush good things, or see where an opportunity will take you even after a year. Because if your to busy trying to see the big picture you forget the small details.

I will always try to take advantage of every opportunity that arises. I will try to complete my bucket list. But I will also try my very hardest to takes things as is and enjoy things as they come. Sometimes going with the flow is living life fully.

The Buried Life 2

One thing I did not have on my list was make the front page of the newspaper. I never thought of it actually.. but it would be damn kool. Well on Friday May, 28 2010 I did. It was my graduation day and I was all dolled up in my cap and gown, praying to God the rain holds out. As I walk into my department building I see my best college friends. We all hug and take a picture. As soon as we take a picture we get approached my a photographer by the Staten Island Advance, asking us if we will take a picture. Of course we agreed and we took about ten pictures, 9 of them being classic lovely pictures, one being a funny picture. Well the next day I get an e-mail from my father that says front page of the advance which a link is attached as well. I open it up in my blackberry and there it is, front page, where everyone can see, the funny picture. Words cannot describe the embarrassment that came over me. I was mortified, completely mortified. My mouth is open wide as if I'm screaming yeah! My hair is frizzy from the rain that followed the ceremony. I look completly stupid. Again I repeat completely mortified. I call my friends who is in the picture with me, Dave and Diana. They love it. Diana thinks we look funny. Dave is embarrassed but doesn't care because he feels like a celebrity for a day. Thank the Lord Jesus Christ in heaven my crush is out of the country on vacation. As the day goes on, the texts messages and facebook comments begin. Everyone says it's not "that bad" which implies to me that they think it's bad but not as bad as I feel. Most people say I look happy and cute. I know I've said it, I look like an idiot but I made the front page of the newspaper. I do believe that not even the real buried life crew even did that.
One more thing to add on my list. One more thing to scratch off.