maybe more is my fault then i let on

Dare I say I've even made mistakes in my past. Even in relationships. It is hard to believe I know because I've been so disappointed by men lately or my whole life. I do have this stick up my ass I understand. However, I am growing older and with that comes wisdom. This new found wisdom I have discovered within myself is even a little shocking to myself. Maybe I should not be in a any relationship now. I know I want to be single and be by myself. But the shocking part is I like being alone. I don't want to have to call a guy and say I am home from work. I do not have to split my time. I enjoy being a little selfish. I haven't decided if this is sad or good. But wither way I'm going to enjoy my limited time being selfish.

After a closer look into myself I've realized i have to get myself off this high horse I'm on and that I am not as good as I thought I was. I use to be so good and lately I"ve surprised myself. I need to remember some things Jesus has taught me.

some people need to understand

If you really knew me you would know I really don't hate men or love. I'm not bitter or some girl that has incredible high standards, I just have standards. One thing most men need to understand is I do not respond the way you expect I am not being a bitch or a snob, I'm just not impressed by you. I was raised with expectations they aren't unrealistic its just one simple thing I expect respect because I give you some. I do understand that most men will not understand this and that's fine with me because I do not need them in life. I just want them to make sure they know I'm not the girl they could pull that bullshit with. they do on the other girls but I am older, prettier, wiser, and have met men that don't give me bull shit. I know the male gender can do it its just most of them don't choose to because they want it easy.

romance?

How can my parents who will be married for 39 years this april still hold hands and kiss each other? I can not comprehend how they still love each other after all this time. I also cannot understand how I grew up with such parents that are so in love, in fact not one member in my entire family is divorced. Everyone has had a long lasting, loving marriage. Yet I am so cynical when it come to love and romance. In fact what the hell is romance? because to me its just something from my parents generation. I feel like romance is as rare as needle in a haystack and love is as rare as a diamond in the.. You know where I"m going with this. (He point I am making is I, one who grew up with a man bringing home a woman flowers just because, and parents who did adore each other is more screwed than parents who ended in divorce. Before you jump me let me give my point of view. My parents gave me this completely unrealistic idea of how love is suppose to be. Now that I am a 23 year old woman I have learned all men suck and the love my parents have for each other does not exist in this generation. People lie, cheat whatever, not just men but woman too. I have my faults so do all the men from my past. Love has become like a business plan. People do not follow their gut or their heart, that world be as foolish as following a hunch in business. Love has become something that one weighs and measures the cost and pain ahead of time before they make the decision to follow through. No more sending flowers, notes, chocolates, putting in any effort for the person your care about. My father said he would have flown anywhere if my mother was there. My mother said she knew by the first date he was the one. Today that just doesn't exist. So thank you dad because you know what the fathers that show their daughters how bad can men suck are bad but the dads who show how good men are and just the men you know bad are pretty sucky too. In the words of my dear friend nicole marci "men suck.. Buy me a drink"

working girl

Now it is official, I am a working girl. Today I filed out paperwork and I'm in the system. I actually had a conversation about 401k's and vacation days and the big one salary. A year ago I didn't even know what a 401k was. Now I must meet my monthly quota, wear suits, and worst of all get up at 6am. I couldn't help but remember the days when I would dream about this. I would say "I can't wait to have a real job." I only thought about the money and enjoying my weekends off. I had no idea 9 to 5 was a made up term Dolly sang about and it isn't actually an average work schedule. I am so glad I went to europe when I did. Now I feel like I had the life experience not many people can have at a time I do not have to worry about mortgages or babies. Going to europe was my dream. When people would say what do you want to do when you grow up, or what's your dream, I would say "go to Europe." Now that it"s over I'm a little depressed. But I got to do it. For that I thank God for. Now that I'm a working girl I have no idea when my next vacation will be. II worry though. I worry I will fail. I worry I won't have any fun anymore. I worry I will loose myself in my work and can't have time to be me. I wish I could just go back to Europe.

Here I am sitting in JFK airport bar, with a glass of wine contemplating my life. I am about to embark on a trip that is an experience of a lifetime. One that I have been looking forward for months, no scratch that, my whole life. I just feel like my whole life is changing. I just graduated college, just broke up with Jeff, about to go on an amazing trip, when I get back - will be working full time. I can't help but wonder about this trip, am I crazy for doing this. Traveling to europe! I'm nervous I won't have fun, I worried about everything going wrong. I wish I knew the outcome. I wish I knew the outcome of my life.

Here I am sitting in JFK airport bar, with a glass of wine contemplating my life. I am about to embark on a trip that is an experience of a lifetime. One that I have been looking forward for months, no scratch that, my whole life. I just feel like my whole life is changing. I just graduated college, just broke up with Jeff, about to go on an amazing trip, when I get back - will be working full time. I can't help but wonder about this trip, am I crazy for doing this. Traveling to europe! I'm nervous I won't have fun, I worried about everything going wrong. I wish I knew the outcome. I wish I knew the outcome of my life.